oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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