My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
