Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
