Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
People in love make me want to vomit
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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