I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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