My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
