i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
