Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
