it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
