Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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