You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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