why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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