You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
