he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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