Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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