he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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