dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
