Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
