I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
