I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
