Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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