a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
