My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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