They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
