I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize