Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
