I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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