The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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