I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
