Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
