if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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