The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
