i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
