omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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