my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
