she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize