I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
