mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
