we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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