When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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