Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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