i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
