Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
