theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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