I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
