Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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