Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
