Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
