I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
