I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
foreskin is a definite game changer
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
