Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
