Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
