The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
