Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
