Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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