the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
