Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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