I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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