Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
