I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
